Ultimate springtime golf fitness tips for "real" golfers

By Tim McDonald,
National Golf Editor

For those of you unfortunate enough to live in the North, you must be salivating at the thought of the spring golf season.

Hold on, Tiger. You ain't the man you used to be. You can't just jump up and go straight to the golf course after a long winter of sloth and mold.

Now, you will find any number of charlatans willing to sell you their total golf fitness regimens. These sleazoids always assume you're a golfer interested in a cleaner, healthier way of living and golfing. I've seen you out on the course, and I know that's not the sort of thing you're "into."

So here is my total golf fitness regimen for the "real" golfer:

• For God's sake, you have to strengthen your core! This involves eating really hard food, like jawbreakers. Eat a bag of those and have your neighbor punch you in the gut to see if your core is all it can be.

Options: Month-old fudge, Purina Dog Chow, pine bark.

• You also have to really work your obliques, I mean really work the hell out of them. Here's the perfect exercise for that. Lie flat on your back with knees bent slightly wider than your hips. If you have really fat hips, you're either going to have to really stretch your knees like in a cartoon, like The Elastic Man from India, or just skip this exercise. In fact, if you have really fat hips, just skip playing golf, nobody wants to see you out on the course.

Now, you slim-hipped people reach your hands to the ceiling like you're crying out for the Lord Jesus Christ to spare you from your miserable existence. You can hold light hand-weights, or not. What do I care? Lift your head and chest toward the ceiling and rotate to reach both hands just outside of your fat, right knee. Repeat on the left side. Now, take a breather. Ask Christ for forgiveness.

• Breathing exercises: Breathing properly and deeply is critical, especially for those tense moments on the course when normally you would start crying.
This deep-breathing exercise involves attending your local adult movie house, or calling up one of those sites on your Internet browser. Follow your instincts. It's either that or follow mine, and then you're looking at jail time.
• Horizontal abduction/adduction: I can't give you much help here, because I always get "horizontal" confused with "vertical," and I have no idea what adduction is. Who came up with that word, anyway? It's a stupid word and should be eliminated from the English language, if it's even English.

• Standing hip rotation: Don't do this. It makes you look like a girl.

• Alcohol fitness: How many times have you lost $2 Nassaus because while you were getting hamboned, your playing partners were just holding up that bottle of Jack Black pretending to drink?

Well, no need to waste good liquor. You can still drink and maintain your competitive edge. You just need to build up a tolerance. Stand upright in a dark closet, with a wide stance, and suck it down. Keep drinking until your wife leaves you.

• Aerobics: Ha! Don't make me laugh. This is golf!

• Putting: Don't bother to practice putting. Putting in golf is overrated. I play golf maybe 200 times a year and I've yet to meet anyone who can putt. You either make it or you don't. If you miss, just keep putting until the ball goes in the hole. Simple.

• Seniors: As we age, our bodies react differently, so seniors must prepare for golf differently than young punks. An important thing to remember is that there is an inverse relationship of increased ear hair to laughably short drives off the tee.

So keep those ear hairs trim and neat. If you're proud of your thick mane of ear hair, don't sweat it. If you're short off the tee, you're probably small in other areas, and I think you know what I'm talking about.

• Excuses: A healthy psychological outlook is a must for Better Golf. If you can convince yourself that the snap hook you hit into the weeds over there is not your doing at all, you'll retain the confidence needed to excel in the game.

The first time you smack one of your all-too-typical lousy shots, turn to your playing partner and snarl," "Will you stop that!" Look at him, looking all hurt and everything. Who would have thought golf fitness could be so much fun?

• Torque development in the downswing: This is so important, I can barely contain myself. This is vital to any golfer who has ever wanted to improve his score. You could even say it is absolutely critical in terms of reaching your full potential as a golfer and knowing what it is to be truly human.

• Alignment and posture: Face the target squarely and stand erect, with your rump jutting out slightly. Feels a little silly, doesn't it? Can you think of another situation in life where you would position yourself in such an odd manner? I can't.

Missouri Valley Announces Golfers of the Week

This week's Missouri Valley Conference golfers of the week are Todd Obergoenner of Southern Illinois and Missy Linnens of Missouri State. Obergoenner led the Salukis with a second-place individual finish at the ASU Indian Classic, while Linnens placed third in the Susie Maxwell Berning Classic. This week marked the final tuneup for the women's programs as the State Farm MVC Women's Championship is next week (Sunday-Tuesday, April 13-15) in Omaha, Neb.

UMKC's Taylor, ORU's Carter Collect Weekly Golf Honors

Fr., Overland Park, Kan./Blue Valley NW HS
Taylor receives his first Golfer of the Week honor following a third-place finish at the Branson Creek Invitational last week. His two-round total of 145 (73-72) was his best outing of the year and second top-10 finish this season.

Valley Names Golfers of the Week

This week's Missouri Valley Conference golfers of the week are Missouri State's Amy Phalaljivin and Wichita State's Ryan Spears.

WOMEN
Missouri State's Amy Phalaljivin took third in the Samford University Women's Intercollegiate in Oneonta, Ala. She fired a 69-76-75=220 to pace the Bears, who finished fourth as a team with a three-round 915.

Bari Erais was one of three Bradley women’s golfers to turn in career-low rounds as the Braves finished in a tie for seventh at the Samford Intercollegiate. Erais matched her career best round with a first round 70 and finished in a tie for seventh place. She is the only player in program history with three or more rounds of 70 or better. Senior Whitney Cox carded a career-best 71 in the second round and tied for 17th overall at 230. Freshman Caitlin Deeken fired a season-low 78 in the opening round.

Marisa Milligan, who joined the team in January and is Illinois State’s newest team member, posted back-to-back top-10 finishes in her debut week as a Redbird. At the Rio Verde Collegiate Invitational (March 7-9), Milligan tied for seventh following a three-round-total of 222 (74, 76, 72). Milligan then improved her standing later in the week, taking sixth at the Gainesville Shootout III (March 13-15) at the par-70, 5,907 yard Mark Bostick Golf Course. Milligan shot a 225 (75, 73, 77) while leading ISU to a fourth-place finish as a team.

Drake and UNI competed at the Diablo Grande Invitational, and the Bulldogs tied for fourth with Boston College. Olivia Lansing tied for seventh overall at 85-78-78=241. Molly Schemm led the Panthers this past weekend at the Diablo Grande Intercollegiate, hosted by Drake University in Patterson, Calif., tying for 15th place after firing a score of 247. The sophomore scored an opening round of 87 but continually improved her performance each day. She shot an 84 in the second and recorded a low round of 76 in the third.

Fueled by Top 10 individual performances from Breanne Smith and Kayley Bodine, the Indiana State Sycamores finished fifth at the El Diablo Intercollegiate held at the El Diablo Golf and Country Club, a par-72, 5.654-yard layout. The Sycamores followed up first day rounds of 317 and 331 with a final round score of 324 to complete the tournament with a total of 972 to finish fifth. Individually, Smith rounded out tournament play with a 78 as her total of 231 was good enough to share third place. Smith also carded an opening round 73 and followed that up with an 80 on the tournament's first day of play.

MEN
Wichita State was led by Ryan Spears at the Barona Collegiate Cup this week in Lakeside, Calif. Spears shot a three-round 70-70-68=208 to tie for fourth in the 60-golfer field on the par-72, 7,393-yard layout on the Barona Creek Golf Course. Wichita State took sixth place in the 12-team field.

Missouri State's Jay BcBride was the top Bear finisher at the UALR/First Tee Collegiate in Little Rock, Ark. McBride tied for eighth place on the par-72, 7,271-yard Chenal Country Club, while firing a 79-73-73=225 -- six strokes off medalist pace. The Bears took fifth place in the 15-team field. Meanwhile, Bradley's men's team was at the First Market Bank Intercollegiate as the Braves finished 18th. Creighton's Matt Kouri led the Bluejays to a second-place team finish at the GEICO Intercollegiate this week, taking fourth place individually. Kouri had a 73-68-80=221 to pace the Bluejays. And Drake was also in action last week, as sophomore Nick Shimon tied for 15th to pace the Drake golf team at the Diablo Grande Invitational Tuesday. He shot an 87-75-71=233 to lead the Bulldogs.

Lions finish fifth at ECU/Red River Intercollegiate

Thackerville, Okla. - Led by a fifth place finish from senior Ben Perry, the Missouri Southern golf team finished fifth out of 11 teams today at the Red River Intercollegiate hosted by East Central University at Winstar Country Club.

Southern started slow in Monday's first round, shooting a 304, but the Lions rebounded to shoot a 291 in Monday's second round and backed that up with a 290 today to finish fifth, just two strokes out of third place. Southern shot a three-round 885.

Perry shot a four over 76 in his first round Monday, but came back with a two under, 70 in the second round and a four-under 68 today to finish seven strokes off the lead score and two under par for the tournament.

Corey Clingan shot a three-round, four over 220 to finish tied for 13th. David Eddy shot a three round 225 and Seve Smith had a 226 as the duo finished tied for 26th and 29th, respectively. Adam Nelson shot a 235.

Northeastern State shot an incredible eight under par as a team in the final round to take the team title with a three round total of 865. Midwestern State was ten strokes back in second place, while Cameron and Texas A&M Commerce finished tied for third with team totals of 883.

The Lions will have Spring Break off, but will be back in action on March 24-25 when the team travels to Warrensburg to compete in the Central Missouri Invitational at Pertle Springs GC.

Mizzou opens spring with 10th place showing at GADO North Texas Classic. Click here to find out more!

NUEVO VALLARTA, Mexico - - The University of Missouri men's golf squad shot a final round 301 on Tuesday to finish in 10th place at the GADO North Texas Classic in Nuevo Vallarta, Mexico. The tournament was the first for Missouri this spring.

Junior Peter Malnati led the way for Mizzou, recording the second-best finish of his career as he tied for fifth with a three-round total of 212. Malnati shot a two-under-par 70 on Tuesday, his second under-par round of the tournament.

Junior Ryne Fisher carded a final round 76 and finished in 40th spot with a 225 final total, while freshman Tyler Hillis tied for 53rd place with a three-round score of 231. Freshman William Harrold finished one shot behind Hillis with a 232 total, placing him in 55th spot. Sophomore Bud Reynolds tied for 63rd place with a three-round total of 237.

The Tigers will return to action on Feb. 29-March 3 in the Ron Smith/USF Invitational in Dade City, Fla.

MIZZOU MEN'S GOLF
GADO North Texas Classic
Flamingo Golf Club - Nuevo Vallarta, Mexico
6,853 yards/Par 72

TEAM STANDINGS
1. Louisiana-Lafayette 178-188-192=848
2. Cal State-Northridge 286-294-290=870
3. New Orleans 283-299-290=872
4. Southeastern Louisiana 292-288-293=873
5. Middle Tennessee State 291-295-290=876
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10. MISSOURI 290-303-301=894
INDIVIDUAL STANDINGS
1. Kyle Nicolson (Cal State-Northridge) 69-71-67=207
2. Jose Toledo (New Orleans) 70-70-69=209
3. Matthew Carvell (Southeastern La.) 75-66-69=210
4. Cedric Scotto (Southeastern La.) 70-72-69=211
5.  Peter Malnati (MIZZOU) 67-75-70=212
 Thomas Petts (La.-Lafayette) 68-74-70=212
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40. Ryne Fisher (MIZZOU) 74-75-76=225
T53 Tyler Hillis (MIZZOU) 76-80-75=231
55. William Harrold (MIZZOU) 73-79-80=232
T63. Bud Reynolds (MIZZOU) 82-74-81=237  

Hock Takes Playoff; Wins Back-To-Back On Champions Tour

Naples, FL (AHN) - Scott Hoch made an eight-foot birdie putt on No.18 to force a four-hole playoff, then rolled in another eight-footer on the first playoff hole to win The ACE Group Classic for his second straight Champions Tour victory on Sunday.

The 52-year-old Hoch picked up the top prize of $240,000 a week after winning the Allianze Championship in Boca Raton. He now has three Senior titles. He won 11 times over a 25-year PGA career.

Hoch, Tom Jenkins, Tom Kite and Brad Bryant all finished regulation at 14-under par 202. Jenkins, Kite and Bryant had all made pars on No. 18 before Hoch made his birdie.

On the playoff hole, Jenkins and Kite both missed chip shots after going over the green. Bryant lipped out a birdie putt.

Said Hoch, "I just said, 'Let's end it here. I don't want to play anymore. Anything else could happen."